Letters to the editor with pictures since 2002.
Published on Big Pine Key’s garbage pick-up days,
Tuesdays and Fridays.
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 [Greedy Bastards] Boy, oh boy, another realtor story. We find a newly listed property for sale, view it, love it, decide to buy it. We offer full cash asking price. Realtor states, “just to let you know we have an offer a tad over the asking price”. I ask, what do you want to close this deal? He says, “A little over ask.” We tell him verbally, ok, how about $25,000 over the “tad over” offer?Great. We go through the paperwork, DocuSign everything, forward a copy of our latest bank statement, as well as a preapproval letter, just in case. Realtor says the buyer needs 2 or 3 days to decide. Just so happens they still have an open house this Saturday and Sunday. This realtor should refresh his ethics courses. |
When told the reason for Daylight Savings Time, the old Native American said, “Only a white man would believe you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket, sew it onto the bottom of the blanket, and you’d be left with a longer blanket. |
| [Trouble] Everything in this world can be predicted except for trouble. Every time trouble appears it’s different, and only after it starts do you find out what it’s really like. |
[Only 2 More Days to Time Change] I’m old and one of the few things I look forward to is the time change. Oh boy, only 2 more days! I know that’s pretty weak. |
| [Buddhist Architect] In my next life I’ll design my kitchen with two refrigerators and a light switch by every door in the house. |
 [“Expensive dining”] A poster complained of $100 meals in Key West. It’s not just Key West. Any tablecloth restaurant will cost a hundred dollars per person with a couple of drinks. We paid about a hundred bucks at Cudjoe’s “Broil” restaurant last week. |
| The Kenosha teen murderer yawned 15 times while the State accused him. He was so bored while the charges against him were read he kept on yawning. He’s just a pimply-faced kid and just plain dumb. |
Why don’t cats fart? Dogs sure do. |
| [Friday Joke] The owner of a drug store walked into his store one day, only to notice a man leaning heavily against a wall. The owner went over to his staff member behind the counter and asked them, “What’s wrong with that guy over there by the wall?”The staff member replied, “Oh him – he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find any cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative instead.” The owner shouted, “You fool! What were you thinking? You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!” The staff member said, “Of course I can. Look at him, he’s not coughed once since I gave it to him. |
[Time] On Sunday, November 7, it’s time to set the clocks back one hour for daylight saving time, so they can get more work out of you during daylight without wasting electricity. |
| [Rest In Pieces] Computer Club John was found several weeks ago laying on the ground behind his car. On Big Torch, I think. He had been unloading groceries and fell. I’m not sure if it was a heart attack or what. John’s body was found by the sheriffs and had been dead for quite some time. He had been eaten by animals. |
| [Friday Joke] Which essential oil calms household family members down? Chloroform. |
[Inflation] The St Louis pork ribs that used to sell for ten dollars is now over twenty? There’s no justification for the price increase but greed. |
| [Expensive Dining] “A typical dinner is over $85 per person.” Back before I bailed on the Keys I had a fling with a younger lass from the lame state of Maryland who exclaimed to me that every night we went to dinner it was like a birthday dinner due to the cost. About a buck and a half for two. Breakfast was $40, lunch $60 unless we got the Square G’s $9.99 lunch special, and dinner was a Benjamin plus. Gone are the days of cheap rooms at Looe Key, affordable breakfasts and lunch boxes for the boat to go and all-you-can-eat fish fry dinners. Gone are the days of walking the alleyways of Key West with treasure hunters and square grouper hunters. The Keys were prostituted to tourists decades ago and monetized by the new home owners who rent their homes to justify the price they paid for historic termite food. Back in the day, we went to the Keys to get laid, now people go to get screwed. |
 I found a way to stop COVID 19. The Federal Government should issue a law to ban all bartenders from going to work for at least a month. This should stop the plague in its tracks! |
| The restaurants are degrading their products to save money and driving away more and more customers instead of bettering those products to pull in customers to make money. Stupid is that stupid does. |
[Going Green] That little yellow thing is a bulldozer. It is burying windmill blades used for green energy. Why? Because these blades need to be disposed of and there is presently no way to recycle them. That’s how green energy works so far. |
| [My Bride] My cousin always refers to his wife of thirty years as “my bride”. It disturbs me when he says that because a bride is only a bride for a couple of days then it goes to “wife”. I don’t say anything to him in order to keep the peace. It seems pretentions or an affectation. The first time I heard a husband call his wife a bride after years of being married was on Big Pine. There was a guy on Big Pine several years ago, I think he was a realtor, and used a cane. He was out and about during most happy hours. He called his wife his bride. At first, I thought he was a newlywed, but I heard him use the same “my bride” months later. Such flagrant misuse of English distracts me and shouldn’t done — think the TV character Monk. He bought me a drink that last time, so I didn’t say anything. Oddly enough, two days later he committed suicide. I don’t know why. Rumor had it he had “bride” and money problems, but that was just barroom gossip. |
 [Key West National Wildlife Refuge Temporary Closures] November 11th-14th, 2021 The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service will be closing Boca Grande Key, Woman Key, and the Marquesas Keys in Key West National Wildlife Refuge from November 11th-14th, 2021. All beach access will be closed to the public to protect wildlife and critical habitat from disturbance. These islands are all part of the Federal Wilderness System. Historically there has been extreme disturbance from boaters at this time of year in these areas and these closures aim to eliminate such impacts. The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service along with partnering agencies will have an increased law enforcement presence at these locations to enforce the temporary closures. Anyone found violating these closures is subject to criminal prosecution by federal authorities and may be fined up to $5,000 and or six months imprisonment. |
[Women Belong In The Kitchen] The more I read the news about how women are taking over this world and men are being driven down to nothings, I don’t blame the Muslims for wanting to control their women. America is losing it and if we crash, we will never come back. |
| [Spring Forward, Fall Back] Oh no! Clocks must go back November 7th and I can’t remember where I bought mine from? |
[South Florida Symphony] Season opens in 2 weeks. Single tickets and subscription packages on sale now for in-person concerts in Ft. Lauderdale, Miami and Key West. Tickets from just $15. Link |
| [The Old People Advisor] Do not sit on the floor without a plan on how to get back up. Also, while you’re down there look for something else that needs to be done. |
 [United States Marine Corps Birthday Celebration] This celebration will be held at American Legion Post 333 in Key Largo on November 10th at 7PM. This celebration will include the National Anthem, Marine Corps Hymn, Marine Corps Cake and speaker comments and music. Discounted food and beverages will be available for all in attendance. This birthday celebration is open to the general public and all members of our Armed Services. We hope to see you there! |
| [No Mask] Once again, the very lady who took over for Mike, the commissioner in Islamorada who died from COVID, appears in a photo with multiple others from Monroe County with NO MASK. I guess COVID is only for tourists and local business owners struggling to make a living due to the restrictive nature imposed by the virus. No masks on the new firefighters either. |
[Stupid Inventions] I vote the electric knife from 60s as one of the laziest inventions ever. Years late I found they were only good for cutting Styrofoam |
| [Court TV] The Judge said: I’m sending you to state prison where you will never leave. “you will never leave”! Man, that was harsh. Seeing it live sent a chill through me. What do we have but hope? |
 [The Birds] I’m getting a lot of Kamikaze bird’s trying to knock themselves out by flying into my windows or screened porch. I hope they don’t get too Hitchcockian on my house. I don’t remember a time where they bombed my house like they do this year. |
| [Friday Joke] 1st old man: What would you abstain from, woman or wine? 2d old man: I’d need to know the year. |
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